You took my life away.
You ripped it apart.
You put me in a glass box, locked me up, I can see my loved ones, I am screaming in pain but they can’t hear me. Even if they did, there is nothing they can do to get me out. Only I can get myself out but you sucked all the life out of me so that I never leave and you left me broken and defeated. How nicely you’ve arranged the box.. Such a nice picture of me, all dressed up, smiling, looking my best really but it is not the truth now is it?. It is a facade, a lie you and I created so that I look normal as much as possible. But am I? Normal? What is normal? Is it like a uniform we are all supposed to wear? Conformity?
Do you remember that time I had an important interview, for a dream job of mine, and you decided to bless me with some intense anxiety? Yeah, I couldn’t talk. I stuttered. I could not even understand the questions I was being asked, let alone answer them. I’ve made a fool of myself. Needless to say I did not get the job and I haven’t tried again ever since. Isn’t that what you wanted? To not have a job I am passionate about, something to look forward to every morning, something that would help me feel good about myself. But then again, that would sabotage your plan to ruin my life. This is not the only time I was ready and eager for something and I mess it up because I am anxious.
How about all those nights I cry myself to sleep and I do not even know why. You have made me lose so many valuable moments I was supposed to enjoy. Do you remember how I was a zombie in my sister’s graduation? Panicking on the inside, anxious because I am unable to handle crowds, focusing all my energy on not getting a panic attack. My little sister all grown up in her cap and gown, I could not even tell her how proud I am of her or how happy I am to share this moment with her. I was not present. I wasn’t myself, not that I know who I am anymore. You blurred that out. It was as if I did not exist. I could not soak up every moment of this special event and engrave it in my memory. How could I when you have messed that up too.
How about the days I could have spent with my parents, my family and my friends but instead you have kept me in bed with a big black cloud over my head. Do you realise that I will never get those days back? The worst part is I don’t even know when you intend to leave me alone so thinking about the time I could have with them in the future is of no consolation. It is not guaranteed. It never is. You have cut all ties, any connection I can have with them. You insist on making me drown in loneliness, on making me feel like a stranger wherever I go. Is that what you want me to be? An outcast?
Is there anything worse than having those you love around you but being unable to feel their presence? That’s right, there is: not feeling your own presence. How can I feel anyone’s presence if I can’t feel my own? For two months now, 77 days to be precise, you have been keeping me in a dream-like state. Nothing feels real. I look at my hands and I do not know what I am looking at. I look in the mirror and I cannot recognise myself. I do not know if I am awake or if I am dreaming or if I am actually dead or if I am in a different dimension. Crazy? Come on now, this isn’t the weirdest thought you have thrown in my mind, I got my fair share of those thanks to you. Just when I thought things can’t get any worse, you had to step in and prove me wrong. Like I haven’t lost enough already, I also had to lose my very basic right of feeling my own presence, of being grounded.