Did you think we were done?

I was just getting started. Ten pages aren’t even enough to describe what you’ve done to me and my life. Perhaps I can show you. Do you see my left arm? It will never be the same. You had me cut into my own flesh, literally. I lost count after the nineteenth scar. One on top of the other, I can’t tell them apart anymore. Your ultimate goal was that in one of those times, I would slit my wrist once and for all. Isn’t that right? You wanted me dead and I am not going to lie, I wanted me dead too. So many times I would sit there, watching my blood spill on the floor, thinking of reasons why I should not cut my nerve and bleed to death once and for all. I had no reason. I literally had no reason. Not one. Am I not doing this because God would not be happy and I would end up in hell? Who’s to say God is happy now? Who’s to say I am some one who would end up in heaven anyway? Or so you had me believe. Am I not doing it for my parents? “You are a burden, you bring them pain and agony, they are better off without you,” you whispered in my ear, breathing down my neck, screaming inside my head to just get it done and over with. I got away every time, so far.. Self harm, one of your bloody symptoms, I did not choose this. No one chooses to hurt themselves. I’ve been in this situation countless times now and every time, something inside of me did not want to die. The basic human trait of survival? Maybe. But how can I live without a reason? How can I beat a demon that is residing within my every particle? You are always in my head, attempting to control my every thought, my breathing, my heart rate, my muscles, my reflexes, my body movements, my appetite and my immunity..

Did you know that I don’t remember the last time I actually had a good night sleep? It’s been years.. People sleep to rest, I sleep so you can terrorize me even more. Remember that dream I had three months ago? When I died and found myself in a grave? It was all dark and any loneliness you had me experience in this life is nothing compared to the loneliness I felt inside the grave. I remember a time when sleep used to give me comfort and safety, now, I worry every night before I sleep about what I will see in my dreams.

Do you have any idea how scary it is to be paranoid and delusional? For two months, I was convinced my parents and my friends were hiding something from me. I even thought that I was sicker than I know and they were lying to me. Those delusions you planted within my mind were destructive and unsettling. I’ve never been this scared in my life, being at home where I am supposed to feel safe, you had me believe that someone is in the house with me hiding my things. I knew I live alone, I was always aware of that fact. Nevertheless, you went as far as controlling my sight; I could not see the things I am looking for even though they were right in front of me. It was all just so you can feed those delusions even more. Are you not entertained yet? How about the voices of a damn crowd in my hallway, or the noises of doors being opened and closed or the damn music you were playing most of the time in my head? None of it was real and it terrorized me. YOU TERRORIZED ME. You wanted me to give up, you wanted me to believe the society, that I am crazy. They are wrong and so are you. There is no such thing as crazy but there are symptoms that come and go, like any other illness. The truth is I am smart, strong, self-aware, empathic, caring, creative and determinant. That’s right, you are not going to destroy my self image.

I promise you, that for the rest of my days, I will make sure that people find out the truth about you. I swear it. I will fight for myself and people who are suffering like me, fighters like me. It is time for everyone to know what you really are , for ignorance about mental illness to end. It is time for the world to see us for what we are: WARRIORS.