My heart is beating so fast 

My chest is hurting 

I want to crawl out of my skin 

Thoughts are racing 

Chaos inside my mind 

Sending waves of excruciating pain all throughout my body 

I took my pillow 

I screamed into it the loudest I could 

I sobbed 

I did not feel better 

I am writing 

A desperate attempt to put this pain on paper 

To reach out to everyone, anyone 

But I know no one can help me 

I am stuck through it all

Alone 

No matter who’s around 

No one can carry my pain 

I do not believe it 

I am not getting better 

I am looking for God around, everywhere 

Waiting for a divine intervention 

One I was promised would always be there when I was a child 

I wait and I cry some more 

I scream

I pray

I beg

Five years and counting 

All I get is silence 

As if bipolar and borderline weren’t enough 

Now I have to deal with trauma on top 

I am looking 

For anyone 

Anything 

Something 

There must be a way out of this prison 

This mental chamber of torture 

Slow death 

I did not choose to exist 

I did not choose this 

And apparently I do not have a choice to end it either 

As if I am here only to suffer 

I do not want to hear it 

Empty promises of recovery 

You do not know that 

You cannot guarantee that 

Do not ask me to hang on to life 

If you do not know my pain. 

I am neither alive nor dead 

I am trying 

I am trying the hardest I can 

To not get to the day 

Where you’d be reading my note

Where you’d be witnessing the end of it all